Blue Christmas

Christmas day it might be but I am merrily at work with a colleague who has not only managed to be aggressive to hotel staff to be (hopefully inadvertedly) racist. The joys of the holidays.

I’m feeling rather lethargic right now, quite down about things. Visiting home reminded me of certain good things I am missing there, but also how displaced I feel when I am there. Now, being back and dealing with a variety of issues at home, I suddenly feel quite depressed about where things are. One of my colleagues is a timebomb waiting to go off, and the staff and management feel like they are constantly undermining us. And the situation seems to be carrying on until I sort out my future.

Sigh. Christmas blues, definitely. But they will pass. Am quite sure that things will feel happier tomorrow when I’m working with another colleague, and further then when I start updating my diary for 2012, moving aside from the stresses of this year and onwards to my new plans ;-).

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Oooh.

Gerard. So pretty. For some reason I cannot embed the video, but there it is regardless.

The woman is fickle yet again. I have been spending the day pondering on what to do once I get back, quite eager to crack on with my own life again. Much as I like being here, this is very much where my life isn’t right now. Life is where I am now, and life is about to change in due course again. Once I get a bit of guidance and start thinking what needs to be done, and when, things will become different.

Roll on 2012. The start of the year will bring a few changes, I am sure.

Options

– Get a new job. Not practical for studies, but something I want. Or rather, not a job, but a career.

– Move back to Finland. Relocating would feel very difficult, and losing friends awful.

– Do a PhD in Finland. Would require flying back and forth, but probably be cheaper than in the UK.

– Do a PhD in the UK. Which is what I want, all I need to do is to get in, preferably in the Uni I am right now at.

– Move abroad, probably to Canada. Which is what I want. But too complicated.

I definitely have, right now, a bout of post-holiday depression. I feel indecisive, stressed about certain aspects of work (namely having to work with a certain colleague who does my head in and causes stress to every single one of us, purely for slagging us all off and throwing tantrums. Luckily he is doing it to everyone so no-one is feeling like they are bullied or singled out).

Hopefully things will ease off a bit once I return back into the UK and manage to settle into a routine of studying and work, plan my next holiday and find a way to somehow progress my study, both current and prospective. And hopefully I will get a chance to see one of my friends, or a few, before the Christmas holidays, just so I can get things off my chest and mirror them through someone else’s eyes. Then, plan my next holiday, plan some exercise in my schedule, somehow sort things out a bit.

Aaah. Life can be so annoying at times. But the confusion will pass once the new year starts and I can focus on what I need to do.   

Friday

 Not a wholly eventful few days here. Visit to the godparents yesterday, narrowly missing a fatal accident caused by a drunk driver on the way back.  Today, a day at home, waiting for the winter storm to pass.

 Yet again, the trepidation about going home has somewhat started. Come Thursday next week, I will be pottering at work again, and wondering about my life. Life would be, in a way, easier if I would have the freedom to try and find a better job for myself which would allow me to have more freedom and a better ability to plan things that entertain me. However, I absolutely and definitely recognize the fact that my current job brings in the money and allows me to study. So maybe I should aim to study more during my boring hours, and live a little bit more. And exercise, definitely exercise.

 I suspect that I am feeling the effect of the darkest winter months here, where life seems to be focused in ponderings and wondering, as opposed to things that are a bit more energised. Luckily getting back here to visit the family will be a bit easier in the spring when my flight routes change, which makes a bit of a change as well. More Scandinavia, less boredom in the UK, I suppose.

 What has really suprised me has been the fact that I very much feel like I should start thinking of myself as a student, and a little less like a representative of my employment. A student who has a job, not someone who works and studies. A change in my thinking that helps me to re-think work a bit better.

 Damn.. I wish I would have my diary with me here so I could write down all these plans and thoughts I have inside my head right now. So many things to do and plan right now, time to start my new year once I get back, kick off my life the way I intend to carry on with it from now on. I am both eager and frustrated with everything and nothing at the same time.

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Thoughts

Right now I am on holiday. A week to go in my childhood home, trying to figure out life. Going back to University fills me with joy – I never really realized how happy I am now that I live in halls in the middle of all the student life and it’s hustle and bustle. How nice it is that I can get back to my cozy little den and carry on with life. See my new friends, enjoy the campus which will no doubt be beautifully quiet over the holidays. Hopefully we will see a dusting of snow at some point.

 Being here, in the middle of very little, reminds me about my youth and childhood, how things were and how far away I have become. How things have changed and how far I have become. And at the same time, how far away I have yet to go, once I find my direction.

 I suppose it has made me realize that I love the student life quite a lot, and that a PhD application for me is a must, that I want to stay in my current University and my halls, get my life sorted out a bit more and ponder. But it has also made me ponder whether there is a point for me to do a PhD, or rather, where will it all lead?

 For a long while now I have been thinking of returning back to my homeland, but this trip, it has made me realize that much as I live this place, much as my roots are here, I want to have this country as somewhere where I can come to get away from my everyday life. A place to relax and enjoy my life without the complications and the hassle. My life, that is somewhere else. This is my safe space, my emergency exit from life. Somewhere where I can come and see my family, until I can then safely leave them behind again and life my life how I want it to. There is finally some clarity, even if I am not certain that where I live now is the place for me.

 So yes, things are a tad clearer now, in certain senses- In others, who knows. My main priority is, on my arrival, to update my diary, books some careers appointments, start finishing my year in the way that I want to start my new one. Aim a bit higher in life, a bit higher in education.

 

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In other news

toothache

..I have a toothache. A course of antibiotics, and dentist when I can afford it.

May I have a little rant here? In the UK, you need to pay for your treatment on the day you receive it, whereas where I am from they bill you for it, making it possible for you to have treatment as soon as you require it. ma, having paid double rent, cannot get to the dentist before next payday, and even then after a few days of work (I cannot get shifts off to receive treatment).

Sigh. I am hoping the penicillin course will beast the infection and remove the pain away, and then I can manage to live a bit of normal life a bit, without pain. Fingers crossed.. because a four-week stint with this pain will not be good at all. Hopefully I will get my money situation sorted as soon as possible so I can get to the dentist before I head off to my holiday.

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Action

So, I was supposed to blog on Tuesday but was so out of it that opted to watch ‘Emmerdale’ on ITV player and veg out. But here is the update.

I was supposed to start my exercise programme on Tuesday and go to my gym to take part in a BodyVive class. Epic fail – I wandered into the wrong studio and ended up doing BodyCombat. Not wanting to admit my failure in understanding the difference between studio 1 and studio 2, I carried on. And boy was it worth it.

I am not going to lie, it was difficult. What people don’t often think is that once your weight and body composition is something above and beyond a gym bunny, everything wiggles up and down when you train. Honestly, not just your breasts. EVERYTHING. There is something rather annoying about the all of your back jiggling up and down like it’s a sack filled with water when you do start jumps. And I landed oddly on my knee and it hurt, but never mind. Ladies and gentlemen, I survived and quite enjoyed myself. I quite enjoyed the post-workout steam room as well, suprisingly..

Yesterday I had another revelation. Well, maybe two. I now understand why people obsess over Zumba. Yes, i was sweaty at the end but the class really did not feel as long as it was. And then I did ballet with was a revelation for me. Me, all 177 cm of lumbering flesh, not girly at all, got cornered by the class instructor at the end of the session and told I did really well and she could not believe that I had never done it before. Me?! I am amazed. I am now also going to start doing it, as it really did tap into my inner female some way. I started the class and instinctively had a feeling that I want to lose weight, tone up and start wearing powdery colours and layers. Rodarte, I am coming for you (it is the Black Swan effect)…

PS. As you can see, there is a new category here, Operation Lady-Boy-Lady. This is my self-proclaimed category for my health-style-fitness project, based purely on the fact that I am trying to make myself a bit more like a boy, fitness and body-wide, yet style-wise am trying to create myself as someone who is a bit less a scruff and a bit more a lady.

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START, DAMMIT

As I think I may have implied before, I am planning on doing a bit of a personal challenge to myself, just so I can feel more comfortable in my own body.

What a load of nonsense. The main reason why I want to lose weight is so that I can fit into the clothes in TopShop and buy girly blouses  without the fear of feeling like I am a looking like a bad b-movie actress verging on a porn career (let’s face it, I am currently wearing a 38F- size bra, depressing in itself). vanity yet again overrides the feelings of better self-esteem, all I want is to look good, dammit.

Anyway, I am right now having a bit of a boring week at home – only a few nightshifts, only two hours of Uni this week (my beloved philosophy), one report to write and another one that needs to be started. On and all, it is a quiet week. On Friday it will also by my two-week countdown to my holiday as well, which is nice. so it feels like it might be a good time to start testing the joys of my gym and crack on with my re-introduction to my lovely gym. So henceforth, this blog will be updated a little bit more, with a specific category dedicated to my adventures at the gym.

Tonight, though, I am planning on doing my statistics assessment, and going food shopping. Might as well, because the darkening night does not look at all like the gorgeous autumn days we have had before, like the one below…

SDC11388

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Back In the loop

A few days.. OK, maybe longer, away from the blog. Just a quick note to say that I am quite alive, yet quite busy with things like assignments and work. But a month from today, exactly, I will be back at the home country, enjoying pre-Christmas Christmas and hopefully, some proper winter.

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(Pictures from weheartit.com

How she keeps it going on gotta love that

A bit of a break from blogging here, due to sheer laziness and being under pressure at work and time wasted watching classic music videos like above. I am not sure whether to laugh or cry! Still, a good song, even with the… *ahem* interesting video.

And this.. Eve, dammit, has the hair that I fantasize about (right now, anyway). makes me want to cut my hair and bleach it out.. probably all driven by the fact that I have been watching ANTM makeovers on YouTube as well.

So what has been going on here then?

Not that much, truth be told. I have been spending my month eating bad food and drinking alcohol with the Freshers (as you do), so now it really feels like it is time to change and start a lifestyle that is a bit healthier. Not that I am a big believer in all this lo-carb stuff, but eating rice and bread like a lunatic probably isn’t that good for me. I feel quite puffed up, lol. Tomorrow, tomorrow, is a new day to start all of that.. because tonight I have eaten paprika crisps, bisquits and too much pasta.

Definitely it looks like there needs to be a start for a new and slightly healthier life, something I have been plotting as potentially a personal challenge that I could blog about. Diet, training, better food, giving up on candy and pointless sugars.. not sure how to go about with it all, really, as blogging daily could be a bit of a challenge. And right now, so could the training! Still, am quite sure that once life eases up a bit (meaning my first assignment will be done and my rent deposit from my old house  will come in and I can pay for my rent and flights for my holiday), things will change. But definitely, right now is the time to give up on junk food, atleast.

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